She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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