The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
