i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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