the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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