if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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