It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
