i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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