If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
