I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
