i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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