Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
