I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
