Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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