Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
