so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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