totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
