Christians are straight up FREAKS
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
