I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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