Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
