He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
