Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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