good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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