Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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