Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
