i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I got inside last night via doggy door
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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