My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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