You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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