Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
