Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
