I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Randomize
