You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
