and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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