I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
