I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize