Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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