Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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