you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize