I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
