I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
They have beer where we have blood.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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