I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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