First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
