I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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