I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
