I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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