Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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