party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
