Your face is a jimmy john
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
