I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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