I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
