my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
