I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize