Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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