Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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