dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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