then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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