he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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