I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
