K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize