You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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