A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Randomize