I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
he thought i was a dude.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
